When Kidnapping Your Parent is the Right Thing to do

One evening, I could feel my anxiety increasing. It had become apparent to me that I would have to leave the Seattle area the next morning, fly to Los Angeles and bring my mom (Gertie) back home with me.

It was October 2009. I had received a call from my one of my Mom’s closest friends who said that she was very sick, weak and could not get out of bed. In the summer of 2009, my mother had been diagnosed with Chronic Leukemia, a serious disease that would require treatment and monitoring. Now, it appeared she had a serious respiratory infection due to her compromised immune system. Mom also suffers from high blood pressure and Type 2 Diabetes, high cholesterol and advanced Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Although I had been urging her to move from Los Angeles to Seattle for several years, she had always resisted, craving her independence and not wanting to leave her home. However, now she was very ill. It was obvious she needed to be close to her family here, which included my wife Terri and my 17-year-old son, Marco. My wife has been very involved, as well, in caring for Mom. She is definitely in the right place.

I found myself faced with a dilemma that many children of elderly parents face - when to step in and take significant control of my parent’s life. Even at 53, I still feel that intrinsic respect you have for a parent. Deep down, I feel like I wanted approval for decisions I had to make, especially one that will uproot my Mom permanently from her home, friends and familiar surroundings.

I began to remember stories from other friends who had to fight with their parents and virtually kidnap them due to their deteriorating health. I also remembered the news stories about parents becoming very ill while alone in their own homes, and, of course, that commercial where an elderly woman falls and there is no one to help her.

Mom had lived in that house with my Dad since 1965. He passed away in 1999, but the lingering memories provided comfort for my mother. Who was I to take her away from that kind of emotional security? The fact that she was lucid only made it harder to make that decision to relocate her.

Since moving to Seattle, she has seen a several doctors, been hospitalized three times and undergone chemotherapy once. Her health is more stable now, and she lives with my wife and me. She no longer drives and still suffers from her other health problems. She takes 12 different medications.

My anxiety is still present. I continue to worry about her health. Her blood pressure can get dangerously high; she has trouble walking at times, and tires easily. I work full time and have family responsibilities and as a male, I also feel I must suppress my emotions and try to stay in problem-solving mode. I feel responsible for making the right decisions and, in the process, make decisions that everyone will be happy about. I am a problem solver.  However, it is impossible to make decisions that everyone will be happy with and solve all the problems.

As an adult child of an ailing parent, I can only show her love and rely on my own personal wisdom and intuition. Fortunately, mom finally agreed to put the house in Los Angeles up for sale. She is ready to write a new chapter in her life here in Seattle. So, I guess some of my decisions were right after all.